Sometimes I catch myself thinking about the dungeon deep down in my heart. I feel heartless, scared, afraid… ALONE.
Now and then I realize that my biggest gift is also known as my biggest nightmare. My heart is sweet enough to keep me alive, but weak enough to let someone destroy it. Although very few people would have the power to do so. Lately, one!
Actually I face my own Wendy, sometimes and I see myself as Peter Pan in this case scenario:
“Wendy: I think you have, Peter. And I daresay you’ve felt it yourself. For something… or… someone?
Peter: Never. Even the sound of it offends me.
[Wendy tries to touch his face, and he jumps away]
Peter: Why do you have to spoil everything? We have fun, don’t we? I taught you to fly and to fight. What more could there be?
Wendy: There is so much more.
Peter: What? What else is there?
Wendy: I don’t know. I guess it becomes clearer when you grow up.
Peter: Well, I will not grow up. You cannot make me!”
Occasionally I feel like him, facing what I use to call “love”. I’m not afraid of love, definitely not. I’m afraid of falling down and broke my heart once again. And surprising I see myself going after this feeling all over again, putting my heart in those same hands which have thrown it away many times. I guess I still believe my happy ending can come true.
Also, sometimes I have to pretend that I don’t really care about love. I always heard it hurts less when you don’t pay attention to something. And I try to convince myself whether it’s possible to forget about this feeling and move on with my life, leaving that thing which hurt me the most behind me — Making my own way to loneliness!
Though once again I find out that I can’t run away from love. Love is my essence, my nature, the air that I breath! It’s who I truly am inside.
“ Captain Hook: She was leaving you, Pan! Your Wendy was leaving you. Why should she stay? What have you to offer? You are incomplete. Let us now take a peep into the future, shall we?
[Hook and Peter start to fight again]
Captain Hook: ‘Tis the fair Wendy. She’s in her nursery. The window is shut.
Peter: I’ll open it.
Captain Hook: I’m afraid the window is barred.
Peter: I’ll call out her name!
Captain Hook: She can’t hear you…
Peter: No!
Captain Hook: She can’t see you.
Peter: Wendy!
Captain Hook: She’s forgotten all about you.
Peter: Stop! Please! Stop it! “
And life is heavy sometimes. It puts you into situations you can barely handle. It puts you on the edge of your own strength, makes you fall on your knees and cry… cry your heart out.
It hurts when life says: “your beloved one is leaving you… Does he/she have a reason to stay? Have you ever been a reason enough to someone to keep you in their lives? Have you been enough for someone? Have you been truly loved?”
Then I find myself broken in pieces, face on the floor, tears rolling down my face and I try to keep an arduous position instead of saying: please, don’t leave me.
And at that time, life keeps telling me: “the one you love is gone… he/she is already forgetting about you.”
Suddenly all I can do is cry.
But God only knows how, there’s always this little spark of fire inside of me which makes me raise my head, stand up and say: “I’ll call out her/his name. I’ll get her/his back!”
And I truly don’t mind if I have to humiliate myself asking, begging: “please! stop it!”.
I’ve been taught that love is bigger than my pain. Bigger than my self pride.
Once in a while life tries to insist: “It doesn’t worth it. She/he will leave you after all”. And I swear I drop my weapons, but that little fairy blows into my ears: “But if you never try, you’ll never know!”
I guess LOVE is my own Tinker Bell.
“ Peter: Well I will not grow up! You cannot make me! I will banish you like Tinkerbell.
Wendy: I WILL NOT BE BANISHED!
Peter: Then go home. Go home and grow up. And take your feelings with you! “
Here and there, they try to silence my soul. They try to make me feel decreased, telling me that I’m silly for speaking my heart out. Trying to make me feel like a child, because I can’t keep my feelings for myself. I have to let the people who I love know that I love’em.
They say: “Go home and take your feelings with you”. And I’ve cried thousand times after hearing words like those. But I know it’s a cold and lonely world and I know what keeps my alive. They try to make me be like them, but I’m not alike at all!
Even worse is when the one you love the most tells you things like: “It’s too much! You go too further”. I swear I can hear a voice telling me: “take your feelings with you”. And I do… Even hurt, even destroyed, I keep my feelings with me and they build me up back. I may be wrong and I may get to know it in the future, but I still want to believe that love heals everything.
When I grow older, all I want to do is looking back and making sure that I had the right choices, that I’ve chosen a moment with the one I loved above the consequences, that I gave up on things on behalf of my truly love. I’d rather see myself with nothing but certain that I had love, than surrounded by people and things which mean nothing to me. I rather make my life worth living for and there’s nothing more valuable than love.
“Captain Hook: What of Pan? Will unhappy thoughts bring him down too?
Wendy: He has no unhappy thoughts.
Captain Hook: Oh… Well, what if his Wendy… walked the plank! “
Sometimes I do have unhappy thoughts. Awkwardly they’re regarded silly, but when it concerns my heart and the well-being of the one I love, it’s the most important thing in my world.
Other times, it feels like my beloved is walking the plank, ready to fall. But as long as I keep this fire alive in my heart, I’ll be able to “fly” like Peter Pan and rescue her/him.
All that I hope for them to understand is that my unhappy thought is the one which says that I’ll no longer be with my loved.
Life tries to bring me down and to make me believe I can’t love and I can’t be loved, but after all, I do! I do believe in fairies!
